I Can't Figure It Out; No One Else Can Figure It Out, So Who Can?
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2007
by Kathy Somers
Who on God's earth can figure out how to be the Perfect Parent?
There are so many right and wrongs, I don’t know if I am doing it right or wrong. I find it so very hard and challenging being a mom of two small boys ages 1 and 3.
What works and what doesn’t work. When your child is roaring and being saucy, what do you do? Time out?
When there are two children in the family like I have, they always want the same toy at the same time; no matter if there are 50 toys on the floor they want the exact same one. I usually just end up breaking up a tug-a-war match, or I will just let them go to it for a few minutes to see what happens, but it all ends up in screaming and crying racket. So either I take the toy and put it up, or it ends up in the garbage can when their not looking, especially if it's one of those noisy ones that drives me nuts.
Do you know what I really like, when I’m trying to get them dressed and it’s like their body goes limp like a rag doll and they won’t stand up for you. It really bothers me when they do this. I don’t know why, but it does. So I just say, "Okay never mind, don’t get dressed then." Then I will get up and throw the clothes down and start walking away. The 3 year old will start running towards me saying “dress me, dress me". Then it all starts over again. *sigh* Maybe I am not cut out for this mommy thing.
What do you do? Time after time you try to teach them and time after time it just back fires. What do I do, just keep trying to teach them and hold my breath, and bite my tongue? Do time outs work? Or the slap on the bum? I actually find that if you slap their bums then they learn to slap other people. So maybe that isn’t the best approach.
Is slapping on the bum wrong to do? I don’t mean slapping them so hard that you send them flying into the next room; I just mean a mild slap on the bum. My two are still in diapers so they wouldn’t feel it to much, but I think that their feelings would get hurt more than their little bums.
It is so hard for me not to raise my voice and I know that this is a wrong thing to do, but I can’t seem to stop it, sometimes I will catch myself, but not often enough, especially after my last fuse has blown. I don’t want them to pick up the bad habit of yelling and that is what will happen if I don’t stop. Lord what have I gotten myself into? I am so overwhelmed trying not to screw their little brains up that I am probably doing just that.
I have to set the example for them, because they watch and learn everything I do. Then as they grow, they will act just like me, or like my husband. Even worse, both.
At times when I say something, I think…whoa I just sounded like my mother when I said that. So that tells me right there that children do pick up on traits of their parents.
When they become adults, I don’t want them not knowing how to love themselves. I don’t want them to have a low-self esteem and to follow the crowd just to be accepted. Or lean towards drugs and alcohol to make them feel happy. I hope they don’t suffer from depression like me. But how can I teach them to love themselves when I don’t even know how to love myself.
I have to stop worrying about this and just do the best I can do, right? No, not right, because the best I am doing is not good enough. I can see already that the oldest boy is starting to sigh like me when he drops something, or he can’t get something open. It’s like an errrrrrrrr sigh.
There are also times that I say no and I mean no. Then there other days the crying is so hard on my head that when they don’t get what they want I just give it to them to make them STOP crying. I know this is also the wrong move, I have seen the Supernanny. The boys will learn that they can get what they want if they cry long enough. I remember doing this to my parents even when I was 16 years old and wanted their car and they wouldn’t give it to me, mind you 99% of the time I won. I must have driven my parents absolutely insane.
I often think that my boys are better off with out me, but then I think, I can’t leave them I love them to much. What would that do to there little hearts and minds? I would not be able to live with myself anyway. I don’t want to be growling all the time, or getting mad, or impatient. “God please help me be a good mother to my boys and help me to love them the way you want me to, help me to have patients, help me to keep my mouth shut, help me to be the mother that I dreamed to be, help help help! Amen"
I would really like to know, if there any mom’s or dads out there that feel this way? Please if there is let me know.
I don’t want to do the wrong thing. How do you discipline your children? How do you keep your cool?
Oh, here is another question. If a family can get by on one pay cheque, should a parent be a stay at home mom or dad till the children start school and then they can return to work? Do you think it’s better for the kids to go to daycare where they learn and play with other children while their parents work? Or do you think its better that one of the parents take a leave fof absence from there job or quit and stay home and raise their children? Oh my goodness I never realized that being a mother was going to be so hard.
One thing is for sure; after all I have said in this article, I love my little boys so much I would die for them. Their hugs and kisses are worth more than the entire universe, nothing can ever replace them. I love it when the oldest boy who is 3 says “I love you too mommy" and I can hardly wait to hear the youngest say it as well. They are worth more than all the money in the world times a trillion and more. I will never trade them in for anything.
When I watch them sleeping I just see the beauty in their little faces and the innocence in their little souls and minds and I never realized that there was a true love in this world, and now I know there is, the love for your children, just like God loves his children. Now I understand, thank you God and thank you for giving me these two precious gifts.
You know, sometimes I sit and think about something bad happening to them, and it actually makes me sick to my stomach. I just worry about them and what they have to deal with in this world. I have to stop thinking negative all the time, I have to think positive and think of taking them to the park and playing with them, coloring in coloring books together, reading them stories, going for walks, and see them graduate.
I am going say a little prayer right now and I want everyone to read it. Have any of you felt this way?
“Dear Lord in Heaven, please I pray for my little boy’s sake and their lives, please guide me and show me what I need to do to be a great mother. Help me show them love and understanding instead of anger and impatience. Help me to show them positive thinking instead of negative. Lord I really need your help and you know what is in my heart and you know that I love my children more than my own life, but I love you first and I need you to please speak to my heart and tell me what’s right or wrong because only YOU know the answers. Amen".
Well there now, I guess I just answered my own question didn’t I, that is so weird that I just did that, I wasn’t even planning on it.
Do you remember what my question was? It was:
I can't figure it out; no one else can figure it out, so who can?
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Kathy, I've never been married or had children, however I know what my mother went through raising eleven of us. She always seemed to know what was right and wrong. I believe using your natural instincts are alot better than reading from any journal on raising children. for your natural instincts come from God. I also believe your children are guided by God also, let him do his part. this is only my personal opinion, I may be wrong. good luck and God blessThank you for your advice so much I will try as hard as I can to just leave it up to God.....but sometimes we try to do it ourselves and I guess we should hand it over to him, as these children are really his............thank you!I have to resond again after I read your note to me.... ELEVEN???
Yes Kathy, my mother bore and raised "ELEVEN" of us. She was tough on the outside, but all heart on the inside.wow...............I have to commend her and give her 11 blue ribbons for each child, because I know I couldn't to it. Man those women were strong, I don't know how they did it. Huge familys, father away working most of the time, or drunk, washing clothes, making supper, cleaning, mending clothes, bathing kids left and right, diapers etc....makes me exhausted thinking about it............wow (I just noticed I responded in the wrong place....took long enough didn't it)
I have two girls ages 3 and 5 and an adopted child (My neice) who is 12, almost 13. The 3 year old does ocassionally get a slap on the bum, just like you said, more to hurt her feelings than her bum and to show her mommy means bussness. Good luck hang in there girl! i know its hard know but watching your little babies grow up is the most amazing thing! You can do it!Thank you so much for your comment. The other day my little 3 year old goes running out to the road and just trucks er as fast as he could. Thank goodness where I live there maybe be 1 car every hour drives by during the working day hours. I try and try to keep him and his brother from running out to the road but they just keep going there. So...I had to give him a crack on the butt with my hand, and good hard one, but not a hard hard one, know what I mean. Of course he cried. Then he goes in and tells his little brother that is 1 1/2 to go run out on the road. Must have wanted him to get a slap too. LOL..............Oh my goodness what to do
Hi Kathy, I hear your heart, your joy and I sigh with you. It isn't easy being a parent -but it is a wonderful gift! My children are grown, one 19 and the other 17, guess what? I still have the same concerns. But, I can offer some advice 1. Pray, Pray , Pray. 2. Never change your mind - once you have said no - stick to it. My kids used to scream to get there way - if you are in the house, scream with them. They will stop and look at you and not know what to do. 3. Always apologize to the them when you lose you cool, they learn to respect you. 4. Pray, pray, pray. 4. Time out never worked with us, a swat on the bum often did, but what worked all the time was standing in a corner with their nose touching the wall. They hated it! Ask them, they'll tell you it worked. 5. Pray with your kids, not just asking for God to protect them, but pray for your and your husband - it teaches your kids to pray for you as parents. 6. Start praying now for their friends that they will have when they get older, start praying for their girlfriends and their wives - pray for their salvation and relationship with God, pray for the right teachers... you get the idea. Don't just pray for the now, pray for their future. These are just a few things. This is advice that was given to me wehn I first becaome a Christian. It worked for us, I know it will work for you. Are my kids perfect?? NO - but I know that having two envolved parents that are humble and honest have made a big difference in the choices they have made. My daughter is engaged to a wonderful Godly man. My Son, though at the moment not walking with the Lord is doing great in school, works, stays away from drugs and has a sweet girlfriend - and of course, he has his brow piercing :-) (read "No Son , you're not a loser and a druggie) Anyway, this is my two cents, for whatever it is worth. I have much more to offer if you want - send me an e-mail :-)Yeah the Time Out doesn't work with me either to well. I give them a swat on the bum sometimes, but not to often. Doesn't that learn them to hit others? My oldest is 3 and he is getting really saucy or something, maybe its terrible 3s. I pray with them now, but I should try to pray with them about the future as well. I say take care of nanny, papa etc etc, thank you for our home, food etc.....things like that. I am going to use your advice and try something different. Thank you for you help and if I need any advice I will be emailing you forsure....
Hi Kathy, a swat on the bum is Biblical - Proverbs 13:24 says The one who will not use the rod hates his son, but the one who loves him disciplines him diligently. Also in Prov. 23:13-14 it says - Don't withhold correction from a youth; if you beat hin with a rod, he will not die. Strike him with a rod, and you will rescue his life from Sheol. If God says it is okay, necessary and good for a child, then I would imagine it doesn't teach them to hit others. The key is knowing when to spank and when not to. That's when prayer comes in. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day - my son is a whole foot taller than me and he is in great shape.(He lifts weights and races motorcyles) I am convinced if we didn't spank and put him in the corner when he needed it, he would not have grown to respect me. There is no way I could stop him from stomping all over me if he wanted to. My son has never hit another person - accept the one time when he got so tired of being teased and the boy would not leave him alone - even then, he didn't actually hit, but he pushed the kid back out of his face - unfortunately the kid went flying backward on his bum... Oopps. :-) ( Obviously the words "strike" and "beat" did not mean then what they mean now - certainly God did not give us license to abuse. Talk to you later. God Bless !Hi, just wanted to say Thanks......I must email you about a concern of mine. Where do I find your email address?
Kathy, if you go to one of my articles, look underneath my name. You should see "In Season Ministries" underlined in blue. Click on it and it will take you to my web site. On the home page, you will see my e-mail address. Just click it and you should be able to send one to me. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I will try you again through the search warp e-mail. I take it you didn't get the last one I tried to send? Lord, please let Kathy's e-mail come through!Actually I did go to your website a couple of days ago, why I didn't think of that in the first place and I did send you an email......I guess you never got it........you can do the same with my website....fun with ur pictures....but I don't know if you can click on the one on the home page, but you can use that one......i will try yours again
Dear Kathy Reading your article brought memories of my own children when they were little. I am now a grandmother although my grandchildren live overseas so I don't see them. But to get back to your article, although I don't remember everything you said. Maybe this sounds a bit simplistic but I really believe to give in to your children after you have told them "no" is a bad practice. They learn so quickly that "no" doesn't necessarily mean no. Discipline across the board goes together with love. As long as you and your husband stick together on this even when maybe one of you thinks its wrong, keep it to your private moments. Yes, they learn from you, the good and the bad, but my girls who are now 35 and 36 are good decent people who do not take drugs, or drink excessively. They are kind and giving people. Yes, I made mistakes, and yes I slapped them when they misbehaved. As long as they are told and shown lots of love at other times, they will not suffer from the occasional bum slap. As for fighting over toys, I must tell you a funny story that happened to me when my kids were small:- My husband and I made one of them a birthday party. We held it in our large living room with sliding glass doors that led out to the patio. The kids, (my kids) started fighting over some toys. After threatening that I would throw them out, I did just that. I threw them ALL outside onto the patio, closed the doors and wouldn't let the kids out to get them for the rest of the afternoon. They were shocked and cried but I wouldn't give in. They learned. Whenever I threatened I would do something, I gave the threat 3 times then if they continued with their pranks I delivered on the threat, EVERY TIME. They soon learn that when Mom or Dad threaten something it will be carried out. Good luck. Remember consistency. LindaHello Linda...I am so glad that other moms are coming on here to tell me their stories because they sure do give me the strength to say NO and stick to it. I just feel so bad though that I am breaking their hearts, but I know its for their own good to learn no means no for their own good. I try to explain to the oldest that mommy would never do anything to hurt him and that mommy and daddy know what is best, but I think it's hard for him to understand. But one lady told me instead of saying "do you want me to give you a slap on the bum?" to say, "if you do that one more time I will give you a slap on the bum" actually its working, but when they do it the second time, my slaps are more like pats...I think it hurts their feelings more than the slap. They get the message though. I do the same as you, except I say if you don't stop it I will throw your toys out in the garbage. I did one day, just one, it was an awful thing to the kids. But they cleaned up their toys and I took the out of the garbage, cleaned it off and gave it back to them. I don't know...........it sure is a difficult job being a Mother...sometimes I think what did I get myself into..but I know what I got myself into...Lots of Love and Kisses and I would never trade them for anything. I just hope that I can teach them the right way. Thank you Linda for for writing to me. Kathy
Dear Kathy Thanks for your response. You know I wouldn't worry about "hurt feelings", they won't last. It is the most difficult job anyone can do to raise children to be constructive, nice people. I would only add one more thing, don't try and be their friend, that is not your job. They have friends outside of the home, or will have. Your job is to love and cherish them, which includes successful discipline. Don't get down on yourself, it sounds to me like you are doing a great job. Well done, you are being a good Mom. LindaHi again, no I don't try to be their friend, I just be there mom, when there hurt from falling, there are kisses for there boo boo's, when there sick I take care of them, and when they turn teens, I defiently won't be sitting back drinking beer with them. I just hope they don't drink beer or whatever, I know teens have to experience things, and I pray I can raise them to stay away from things like drugs and alcohol. But if there anything like me they won't. Or I should say like I was then I was a teenager. Oh dear...I know I shouldn't worry about the future to much cause it isn't here and to take it one day at a time. But I can't help but just wonder what is going to be out there when they turn teenagers, God willing he doesn't take them on me before that. Today there are soooo many bad drugs out there and sooo maybe young people messed up. I know that I have to raise them with self-confidence, and I don't know really how to, cause I never had any. But I am just trying to tell them how good they did when they do something, and when they do something wrong, I dont call them stupid or anything degrading. Your right being a MOM is the hardest most challenging responsibility in the world....I don't like to call it a Job, but it is harder than anything I every had to do. I hope I am being a good mom....
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